Coming Back to Self

Something about coming back to self is the coming to being okay of no longer having a false identity. We are living in times where we like to label ourselves. Some people associate themselves with their profession. Some associate themselves as being a spouse. Some identify as what they have or do. Some become the chase of their goals. Honestly this was where I was for a very long time. So no one is alone on this one. 

In this search for finding who I am and the meaning that I bring to this world, had me running in circles. 

When one day I finally let it all go. 

The moment I had let it all go is when I finally felt free. I had let go of the false identities that myself and this world has created for me. Within that moment I had realized the real me was nothing. However this feeling of nothingness wasn’t a depressing or sad one, it was a very freeing one. A nothingness that allowed me to let go of all the things that had for so long cluttered my mind, that I am finally able to feel at peace or a positive mind in moments of silence. I am able to feel genuine happiness when shared with another person. I am able to be within this moment. 

It was the moment I had finally surrendered to god that I was able to fully experience all of the love that’s in my life. It opened up a new door that love is not of a person, it’s not of a future outcome, it is not of a thing, but it’s a way of being. Being in a way that I give myself to this world by being within this moment. This moment is full of love because everything around us is so giving. 

I used to hear people say something that went like, surrender to the divine and some life changing thing will happen. I had never understood what that had meant until it had finally happened to me. 

The moment I surrendered is when I finally accepted the place I was in, within my life. It was the moment when I had let go of all of the labels, the goals, the expectations, anxieties that I was able to surrender. 

Before I had thought of myself as being an artist. An artist that would somehow change the world by helping some people. I had thought of myself as being a person who thrives for growth, new adventures, and independence. To travel the world without a home in place. Then one day having a loving husband and a family of my own on a little farm. 

It was the moment when I had let go of all the attachments within this physical world that I had found true freedom. 

Without realizing it I was seeking for my happiness to be within the future. This had caused me to be isolated. My mind is cluttered with what if this isn’t good enough. What if others won’t like it. What if this won’t workout for me. All of this clutter didn’t leave room to enjoy the journey. The joys of admiring being within a moment with a person I share a love connection with. The joys of having the time to pick up a book and enjoy the new knowledge it provides me. The joy of going outside and noticing the warmth of the sun as it so gently touches my skin. The small insects that wander this world that is very big and full of wonders and endless possibilities. The difference between every living thing's journey of growth. The way the water flows down the stream and the way the sun hits the small creases made by a gentle breeze causing the most beautiful sparkle. 

Our life is beautiful. 

When it comes to being within the flow of love, it’s letting go. Letting go of those who have hurt you, by giving to yourself what they were unable to give you. It’s by accepting that no person or thing is perfect, therefore you let go of anything that isn’t of love. It’s the letting go of future outcomes because there’s nothing as wonderful as this moment. 

If there is a thing within this moment that you do not love, you have all the power in your hands to change it. It’s about the renewal of consciousness where you begin to tell yourself that you are deserving of love. 

I think a necessary part in the beginning stages is finding the things that bring you joy. My hobbies. The new adventures. Because it’s the moment we stop identifying ourselves with the victimhood of our lives that we are finally able to identify with the things that bring us joy. Later on these will still be joys, but they won't make you who you are. 

For a long time I procrastinated putting any of my creative efforts out there because I didn’t believe anything was good enough. I so badly wanted all of these things that I didn’t have, when all along the thing I needed the most was to be within this moment. I had grown so fond of this future goal, that I had made myself miserable. This obsession led to staying in this one place, rather than moving forward. 

For years I had a strict routine of waking up early, going to the gym, then forcing myself to go to work and then create. However this process was by no means effective because I wasn’t allowing myself to flow. My creative side was no longer a thing I loved, but now a goal. This idea of a goal I so desperately wanted had led me to getting even further away from it. I completed nothing! 

Today. 

I have a few desires, but I feel so good within this moment that I'm no longer sure if I want them. 

This world doesn’t make you who you are. It’s the love within you that makes you, you, and me, me. 

For a long time I was angry with god. Angry because religious people had killed my people. Angry because my home lands had been stolen. Angry because I had to go through another generation of hurt. 

But it was when I felt I had nothing. That god had given me something. That something was the gift of love. I stopped identifying god with people, the harshness of this world, and had realized god is love because all he does is give. 

Jesus once said he who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it. 

I got to know Jesus, and I realized he was able to accomplish anything because he had believed. This faith he had was so powerful, that all his gifts of love were able to heal the world around him. 

Love is about giving, so give to yourself the things you deserve. Then give to others the things you learned from those gifts. 

Our world is in need of more love. The love of I see you and you see me. The love of I hear you, and you hear me. The love of accepting things the way they are because if we come together with this love for the world around us, then that will be the moment real change happens. 

           My mistake had been that I was going against the flow of love. I was avoiding the things my heart was trying so hard to guide me towards. I refused to be within this moment by remaining in the illusions of time within the darknesses of my past and the worries of the future. All of this had stolen the love from out of me. The truest form of myself, stolen. 

However from this I learned… 

When you do what makes you happy, you are also making the world a happier place. When you give to yourself the love by being, you are spreading this love to the world. 

Coming back to self is the greatest thing you can do not only for yourself, but for all of humanity. 

Something important to remember is that we are all human. Life won’t be a consistent flow of love and happiness, because things happen. It’s okay to feel the feelings, just don’t let them consume your world. 

Every person has a different version of you. No person actually knows the real you, except for you, so show up to this world as your authentic self.